Peace Breaks Out

Weapons eliminated, citizens of all nations getting along fine

Next: Wiping out disease, restoring planet's ecological balance

Fantasyland, April 1 -- We interrupt our coverage of war and other bad news with this special bulletin: peace has broken out worldwide, surprising strategists, soldiers, journalists and arms dealers alike as the world inexplicably decided to answer Rodney King's famous question, "Can't we all just get along?" with a resounding, "Yes!" Once they stopped fighting, the people of earth decided to work on eliminating disease as the next long-term goal, although in the short term they pledged to find some sort of workable health insurance for all.

And that's our April Fool Day's report. These stories, however, are real:

A man charged by the Securities and Exchange Commission with insider trading says he is a time traveler from the future, and that's how he was able to turn an $800 investment into $350 million in two weeks.

The Washington Post has broken from the journalistic pack and is reporting a very different version of the shooting of 7 women and children at a U.S. Army checkpoint in Iraq yesterday: this one is an eyewitness account from the Post's reporter on the scene.

Takoma, one of the U.S. Marines mine-detecting dolphins working in Iraq, has returned to work after 48 hours of unscheduled leave.

Legislators in the states of Texas, South Carolina, Florida, Georgia, Alaska, Tennessee, and Colorado have introduced bills that would outlaw not only the use of any computer security firewall, but all Windows operating systems introduced since 1998. If those compu-ignorant lawmakers have their way, the only way to legally connect a computer to the Internet would be to leave it completely open to any and all viruses or hackers.

The Fourth District Court of Appeals in Ohio has ruled that the right to free speech includes the right to bark like a dog.